Message: anti spam system error/security breach - Spam Shield 5.3 error type 2: compromized by unknown code type - "Can Opener 6.2" / message type text only.
Received: 14.22 (EST)
Subject: A plea from the Spam Industry
We don't know each other, but I may be the person you'd most like to see killed, perhaps with a garden implement such as a shovel, or a hoe, or perhaps even a ride-on mower.
You see, I'm a Spammer. In fact, statistically speaking, I am the Spammer - the biggest (preferred epithet) of them all.
On a good day I send up to 56 million unsolicited solicitations to in-boxes in every country on Earth (and France).
You'll probably be pleased to learn that right now, as you read these lines, powerful vested interests are near to an agreement that will end Spam once and for all. And yet, before this last step is taken, I humbly request that you consider our side of the equation...
Spam means hope -
Directly and indirectly the Spam industry employs hundreds of thousands of people, both here and overseas, people who might otherwise have been forced into sweatshop labor making designer leather goods, sports shoes, or tote bags bearing a dubious phrase in a foreign language...
Brad had fallen on hard times: failing in high school, socially isolated and lacking in firearms proficiency, Brad was facing life as one of the unwanted, one of the forgotten, one of those you'd cross the street from.. But, thanks to Spam, Brad has new life and a new hope:
"Yeah, I had nothing before this. But now.. well, I still ain't rich, but now it's like.. well, it's gonna sound real lame, but, it's like, this job - it's given me something, it's like self respect, you know? It's like a feeling, like I can get somewhere without having to ask for a handout all the time... you know? I feel like I got hope now. It won't be easy, I know that, but I feel like I'm on the way now. I'll get there.. I'll get there now I've got Spam."
And there are many, many other stories just like Brad's - lives transformed from despair into hope via a personal computer and a Spam account.
Aside from hope, Spam generates billions of dollars in sales revenues for our nation - our hard pressed but greatest nation (or yours, as applicable).
Spam saves the planet -
While being one of the fastest growing industries of all time, Spam has bucked the stereotype of 'dirty capitalism' - because not only is Spam clean commerce, but Spam is actually helping to reverse the environmental degradation caused by other industries. For example, by gradually supplanting the use of traditional paper 'junk mail', Spam is saving thousands of trees, every hour, every day.
Saving trees in the Amazon, and the fragile eco systems dependent upon them, protects our planet's natural heritage and beauty.
Saving the rain forests preserves what some scientists call the greatest pharmacy of all - an environment which may contain cures for some of our deadliest diseases.
And saving trees helps control the climate change that we are all beginning to notice in our insurance premiums...
Some experts believe that with adequate Spamming it may be possible to halt the destruction of our rain forests and begin to reverse the damage already sustained - experts like Jane - visiting professor at Samford University and co-ordinator of the Sustainable Something Project 2003:
"It's simple - we can either keep on like we are, or we can keep the rain forests, but we can't do both. We can't have rain forests and mass cattle farming on the same land; we can't carry on using disposable wood products, like junk mail by the megaton, or furniture designed to last a season and... ..I'm not even saying 'save the rain-forests'(!) I'm saying let's look at what we're doing, as a species, and then let's make a decision about that; let's understand what we're doing and why... ..In some areas we are seeing some reduction in the rate of loss, but it's not enough - forest losses still exceed the planet's ability to replace them..."
"What if junk mail was replaced by Spam, wouldn't that help?"
"Jesus, you'd have to send a lot of spam.."
"But, in theory?"
And, in response to our think-tank recommendation for a new mail box sticker reading
"Save our trees. Email me instead (address space)"
Jane had this to say:
Spam is environmentally and economically sound -
Spam means less toxic printing by-products, and the electricity consumption per Spam is a mere fraction of that expended when producing an old fashioned flyer...
Jeff is an independent consultant analyst contracted to various governmental, regulatory and environmental agencies - he explains:
".. Well, it's actually kind of a funny thing, cuz I hate spam too. I mean, that guy who sends out the 56 million spams a day, I think I'd kill him. I've got a 12 gauge pump for home defense, but I think if he was here now.. I don't know, but I think I'd have to kill him; I wouldn't want to do it, but uh, I think about it - The Spam - and.. it's kinda scary, but I think I would actually put the barrel in his mouth and..."
"You were saying, about the.."
"Oh, yeah, well, the benefits. The benefits are there, there's no doubt about it - both environmental and economic. We've crunched the numbers, using multiple models, but really it's pretty obvious if you think about it: take this computer - it can send out millions of emails, but it consumes hardly any more electricity than a light bulb. Even if you factor in the electricity expended when we delete the message - it still adds up to a tiny load on our infrastructure - way smaller than with paper junk mail. Look at those costs - both economic and environmental: paper, ink, electricity, transport - and that's pollution all along the line. Then you've got the costs of trashing them, or recycling them. There's no contest - spam is just way more efficient."
And Spam means less clutter in your mail box - less chance of loosing that important letter, or refund check(!), among the sack load of advertisements you thrust into the garbage each week. Also, handling paper junk mail means the risk of a paper cut, which could become infected and could, in some cases, lead to tragic consequences.
At this time, there has not been a single reported case of fatal septicemia attributable to Spam.
Spam and You -
Spam is discovery - products and services you might never have thought of - opportunities for fun, education and self improvement. Spam has helped diverse entrepreneurs bring the best deals on Earth right to your desktop. Entrepreneurs such as Milo of "Milo's Emporium" Brooklyn:
"Yeah - we were nowhere before Spam. I mean, we were no-where: I thought I was gonna have to lay everyone off - I had like three containers of these goddam things.. And they're hard to shift anyway, cos of all those stupid Medical Journal warnings... but the ones I bought were from China.. Well, they were originally meant for the domestic market.. and Chinese guys are a bit smaller anyway, you know?... So, it turns out that a Chinese penis enlarger only gives a size similar to an average size American. No God-damn use at all,'cept for masturbation... See, I should have ordered the Export Model, only I screwed up on account of being woken up at every God-damn hour of the God-damn night by the ass-hole down stairs.. So, I was kind of out of it when I phoned the guy up - I mean the guy in China. And that asshole: that asshole wouldn't even take 'em back. HE said they don't even use em in China. HE said they get their bitches off with their tongue, or some sicko commie shit like that...
..So then we had like 42,000 average size penis enlargers, and I couldn't even afford normal advertizing on account of Gretchen - that's my bitch wife - she took my car and left me with the payments... Bitch... Anyway, then we started with the Spam plan.. and it was like WOW! They were all gone in a week! I got orders from every where - even Sweden - Sweden, for Christ's sakes! I mean, those guys've got dicks the size of howitzers!
Least that's what I heard..."
"So, it was the Spam?"
"Oh definitely. I heard the guy - the spam guy who fixed it - I heard he described them as some kind of a 'Clitoral Actuator' or something... I don't know much about computers. Anyway, who cares? They were all sold, that's the point. Yeah, those Spam guys - they saved us, they really saved us."
And the Spam industry cares about you too - YOU - our most important client of all - the one without whom none of this would be possible. That's why we're spending literally hundreds of dollars developing such initiatives as the S.D.S. system...
The S.D.S. Initiative - Going Forward, with Spam -
Current Spam filtering systems have multiple weaknesses including heavy bandwidth load on servers, inability to detect mutated Spam, or over sensitivity resulting in collateral deletions. And all current systems require some form of administration - and that's a cost to us all, sooner or later.
But with S.D.S., or Self Deleting Spam, we're seeking to eliminate all these problems - automatically. It's as simple as the name: after expiry of a pre-setable post arrival interval an S.D.S. will simply delete itself - without any intervention on your part what-so-ever. It will be like driving past a billboard - you can either look, or not look - the choice will be yours... It will even be possible, via a low cost subscription, to have a Spam delete itself immediately upon delivery, or not even arrive at all.
And so we are committed to evolving with the challenges of the modern Spam environment.
Spammers defend freedom -
Talking of the times - Did you know? - The Federation Of American Patriot Spammers recently voted to quadruple American Language Spams to France - thus annoying hell out of those sunuvabitch socialist henchmen of terror, while teaching them something of a decent language. And so, if our Commander-in-Chief is ever forced to carry out regime change in Paris, then, thanks to the educative benefits of Spamization, we'll have a much better chance than the Germans did...
Spam - health and heritage -
Recent medical research discovered a startling fact about Spam -it's actually good for you! We asked Dr Foley of John Hoskins University to explain:
"We've suspected for some time that a complete absence of stress is actually injurious to health, and of course everybody knows that too much stress is harmful... What we found with our study into the effects of spam exposure was that 96.3 percent of our subjects showed a beneficial reaction; we saw short term, mild accelerations of heart rate and brain chemistry of the kind associated with mild, transiatory stress - the exact kind of conditions we believe benefit immune system response and other body functions."
"You mean, Spam gives just the right amount of Stress?"
"Exactly. We found that subjects reported a somewhat elevated sense of well-being after discussing spam with others, and this effect was clearest among those who expressed themselves the most forcefully."
"You mean, they felt better the way one does after, say, a fit of hysterical screaming, or chopping wood?"
"But without the hazards of those activities."
"But that's fantastic!"
What a surprise! And did you know? - Spam is Anglo cultural heritage:
The base concept of Spamming was not invented by some corrupt, fascist, capitalist, imperialist clique seeking world domination via a convenient on-line purchase (with only two clicks) and a quick scan of your hard drive. No! The mantra of Spam - for that is what it once was - was first practiced by a group of semi-mystical intellectuals, back in 1970s England: collectively known as Monty Python's Flying Circus, these were the pioneering sages who laid the inspirational foundations of the colossus we know today...
And so, Spam is a useful, healthy, environmental, and cultural part of civilization as we know it.
Thank you for your time. I hope I've helped you to make a crucial decision about the future of economy, health, nation, and planet.
The world's biggest spammer,
on behalf of the
Society for the Understanding and Conservation of Spam,
The S.D.S. Initiative - proudly sponsored by
Milo's Emporium of Brooklyn
"....Spam, spam, spam, spam - spam, spam, spam, spam - Wonderful Spam, Wonderful Spam, spam, spam, spam..."
- The Spam Song, Monty Python's Flying Circus
Spam - it's good for you!
Aside from Monty Python's Flying Circus, all institution names, person names and product names are entirely fictitious. Any coincidences with real people and real stuff are entirely coincidental.
© copyright cb salter