Twas the night before Christmas...
Two oil pipe-line security guards are sitting in a fox-hole, smoking weed from home, gazing silent, into the vast scatter of stars, wishing they were back home... Then, all of a sudden, the ground begins to shake, a strange heavenly light washes over them, and a giant, flying saucer appears above.
The two G.I.s stand, tiny, awe-struck and terrified...
The ship comes down low, the window is wound down, a little alien appears, and does say unto them:
Have you seen Jesus?
( The G.I.s stare in total, complete and utter amazement. )
G.I. 1:
You mean, Jesus Christ?
Alien:
Yes, that's him.
G.I. 2:
Uh..
Alien:
Is he about?
G.I. 1:
Well...
Alien:
I've got a birthday package, and I need a signature.
G.I. 1:
Well he's not, uh, here, right at this particular moment, sir... he's uh, he's gone away...
G.I. 2:
Yeah, that's right..
Alien:
I see... So, when will he be back?
G.I. 1:
Uh, well..
Alien:
Hang on, hang on..
( The alien briefly withdraws from the window of the craft, which then lands as lightly as a sparrow.)
Alien returns to window, and doth say:
Alien:
Sorry. Now, what are you saying?
G.I. 2:
Uh, well.
Alien:
Yes, yes, and?
G.I. 1:
Well you see, there was this ritual thing, and then, er..
Alien:
A 'ritual thing'?
G.I. 1:
The thing is..
G.I. 2:
The fact is, sir, I'm afraid we killed him.
Alien:
Killed him?
G.I. 1:
Yeah, but there was a trial first.
G.I. 2:
Yeah, that's right sir - there was a full trial, with a judge and.. evidence.. And stuff..
G.I. 1:
.. and then we crucified him.
Alien:
Crucified?
G.I. 1:
Uh, yeah, 'fraid so.
G.I. 2:
Sorry.
G.I. 1:
Yeah, I am too.. But it wasn't us! Not us personally! It was the Romans; they did it!
G.I. 2:
That's affirm, sir; it was those God-damn Romans!
Alien:
'Romans'?
G.I. 2:
Yah, they're, uh, they're over there sir (pointing) way, way over there... The Roman Empire. They aint called that now, but they did it.
Alien:
I see... 'crucified.'
( they nod. )
Alien:
'Romans...'
G.I. 2:
That's right, sir. Sonsabitches, everyone-of-em! We didn't even exist then.
G.I. 1:
Yeah, we're American, but back then we were mostly in Gaul and England, places like that.
Alien:
'Gaul'?
G.I. 1:
That's France, sir. Very big God supporters.
G.I. 2:
Yeah, and my family is mostly from Poland, and that's nowhere near Rome. We're all very religious too; we got a crucifix in every room, sir, even the john. We love Jesus.
G.I. 1:
So do I. I Love that guy, I really do.
Alien:
A crucifix in the...
G.I. 2:
The john sir - the smallest room, know what I mean?
Alien:
I see... And he's definitely dead?
G.I. 1:
Well, there was a resurrection, but many scholars now believe that that particular passage of the bible is meant more as a representational device than as a actual, literal.. fact.
Alien:
I see... the 'bible.'
G.I. 2:
That's affirm sir - The Big Manual. I got one back at base and I read some every day, sir, every day.
Alien:
I see... And he was Crucified, you say...
G.I. 2:
Ah, yes sir, on a cross sir... Very sorry.
G.I. 1:
Yeah, me too; very sorry about that whole thing.
Alien:
So, when did this happen?
G.I. 2:
'bout two thousand years ago..
Alien:
What? What date is this?
G.I. 2:
At this time, sir, it is December 24, 2013, sir.
G.I. 1:
Yeah, that's right; it's exactly 22.00 hrs, 17 minutes, and 42 seconds, sir.
G.I. 2:
That's universal ti..
Alien:
Oh Christ! That's why! Sorry, sorry fellas - it's my damn chrono-scope again. I keep getting it re-aligned but these cheap foreign imports, you know.. Well, never mind. I'm very sorry I disturbed you... Uh, you should now return to your natural behavior patterns, and.. What's that vegetable material you're burning..?
G.I. 2:
Oh, that. That's just some grass sir; it's nothing against Jesus.
Alien:
'Grass'?
G.I. 1:
Weed.
Alien:
Oh weed. Oh, well then that's fine.. Therefore, at this moment you're both asleep, okay? And I'm speaking to you in a dream, after one hell of a 'freaky spliff!' This is all just a nice dream, okay? Have a good life fellas...
( The alien is about to wind the window up... )
G.I. 1:
You aren't mad at us?
Alien:
No.
G.I. 2:
But uh.
Alien:
Don't worry. Thanks for pointing me the right way. Merry Christmas!
( The alien is about to wind the window up... )
G.I. 2:
But wait! Isn't this The Second Coming?
G.I. 1:
Yeah, and what about The Day of Judgment?
Alien:
'Day of..' oh, that! You mean the, when the..and th.. Okay, let me just have a look for you... (checking clipboard) Now, let me see, let me see... um... ah, here we are... 'The Second Coming'.. Uhuh, Uhmmm... Okay, now how long do you fellas live?
G.I. 2:
Three score years and ten, sir.
G.I. 1:
Usually.
Alien:
Well, you'll be fine then; just keep on going like you are and uh, it'll all be taken care of. Okay?
G.I. 1:
Thank you sir.
G.I. 2:
Yes sir, thank you very much sir.
Alien:
Merry Christmas fellas!
And with that (and a wink) the Alien ship roars away, into the sky, not be seen again until...
Some time later (or perhaps even earlier..).